Lifelong grief

I was listening to Focus on the Family this morning and they were talking about infertility. They were talking about the pain of not being able to have children or getting pregnant and then miscarrying. Although, I can't relate to not being able to have a child; I can relate to miscarriage as we lost our 3rd child in 2006. But, they went on to say that infertility was a journey of pain. It's an isolating pain. A pain that not everyone understands. A powerful sorrow that you feel when you might attend a baby shower or work in the church nursery or even just seeing a family together playing in the park with their kids. And I couldn't help but think of our own painful journey of SMA. Having a child with such a sad disease as SMA is also a lifelong journey of pain. It never really goes away. Each time I see boys playing that are about the same age as Ryan; I grieve. I grieve for the loss of what my son could never do and will never be able to do. I grieve for the pain he has had to endure in his short life. I grieve for future pain he will someday endure and the loss of abilities as he gets older and the disease takes away even more of his functions. Although, I try hard not to, sometimes my mind will go to that day when we will eventually lose him to this disease. And even then our journey will not be over. For then we will be grieving the loss of our precious child until we are reunited with him again in heaven. My heart aches for those women who can't have a child. I can't imagine their personal pain. But, I can relate; even if only because of our own journey through our experiences with Ryan. It's a lifelong journey. One day all of our pain and sorrow will be over when we are in the presence of our heavenly father. And there are days when that is the hope I have to cling to to get me through.